September 25, 2020

The Internet Monk Resolutions for 2009

Reading all these spiritual resolutions all day has made me feel so ashamed of myself. I need to set better goals.

So I may be a little late, but here they are: The Internet Monk’s 2009 Resolutions. (In your face, Jonathan Edwards.) I hope they inspire you.

1. I really need to stop stubbing my toe on the kitchen chairs. Anyone have any ideas?

2. I’m going to absolutely stop falling for those “You’ve won a thousand dollar gift card at Target” emails. After the 3rd time, I was embarrassed.

3. The next time the kids next door are playing army in my yard while I’m taking a nap, I’m really going to let them have it. The little brats.

4. I don’t see any reason to take down the Christmas decorations. Before you know it, it’s Halloween and you have to get everything back out.

5. I’m going to try and hang around people heavier than me a lot more. But that’s starting to be a difficult assignment. Guess it’s more trips to Golden Corral to make some new friends.

6. There have to be 200 ink pens in this house that don’t work. I’m going to throw out a couple of them.

7. I’m settling this argument about snoring once and for all. I’m putting out a tape recorder and we’ll see who’s louder: me or the dog.

8. I haven’t had home made, hand cranked ice cream in at least ten years. That seriously needs to change. Life is short.

9. If I get fired this year, I’m thinking of starting a law practice specializing in representing the wives of guys who are addicted to Twitter. I could ask some killer questions to some of you boys. “Now Mr. Miller, is it true that on the 8th of June, you took your Blackberry to bed with you?”

10. Seriously, I need to get in touch with Pope Benedict XVI and talk about this deal of my wife going Catholic. This could cost me some serious coin. I think a settlement out of court is possible.

Best wishes to those of you with noble goals for yourself and the Kingdom this year. I pray you achieve them all.


  1. On #10 — If the Pope won’t help you there’s an old English man named Henry (one of a long line of Henry’s) who might offer a solution.

    You’ve already got some experience in starting your own church, sort of….

  2. Mack Ramer says

    I am so with you on #6.

  3. Are you really Andy Rooney …?

  4. 1. Eat your meals in the dining room. Duh.
    3. Didn’t the Founding Fathers win the Revolutionary War because the Hessians were caught napping? Those kids are giving you a history lesson!
    4. It’s too bad you can’t burn evergreens in the fireplace. Someone could invent burnable ornaments. Then you could just toss the whole thing in the hearth.
    5. You already do. Most of them read this blog.
    6. Yeah, I was thinking of doing that today, too. I also wondered how much trouble it would be to make a very long line to attach one working pen to my desk, etc.
    7. My older brother snores when he’s awake.
    8. Eh, it’s overrated.
    9. I’d think someone who blogs as much about grace as you would stay away from the law.
    10. He could pay you in indulgences, which you could then sell on eBay, leading to the next Reformation.

  5. No. 2 was too funny.

  6. My resolutions are not set to high in the hopes that I might hit them for once.
    1 I will go on a haggis free diet.
    2 My wife and I are going to take the “one Day Challenge” hey, we are tired.
    3 I will not get upset with people who disagree with me, I will assume they are imaginary and therefore do not count.
    4 I will only take resumes from men who wish to date my daughter if they are accompanied by a letter of recommendation from a former date, any one who has dated before need nor apply.
    Thats it 4 biggies. Pray for me. If my standards drop much lower I am in danger of becoming at peace with TBN.

  7. And to think that one of my plans for the new year is to rack up a 100-win season in my fantasy baseball league … I don’t know if that makes me more ambitious than iMonk or less.

    As far as Rez #1, the key is to slow down a little.

  8. Only a hillbilly says ‘ink pen’ nowadays.

  9. >….Only a hillbilly says ‘ink pen’ nowadays.

    Is that an insult or a compliment? 🙂

  10. No. 3: I was one of those brats once…or still.

    (I didn’t know kids still played army anymore, with on-line roll-playing games like WOWC, Runescape, Tribalwars, Ragnarok, etc. I’m amazed they know where your back yard is, let alone the outdoors in general.)

  11. Why would you settle for measly $1,000 gift cards from Target when I can forward you personal emails from Mrs. Sergius W. Nokomo, widow of a Nigerian lawyer, who now has terminal cancer and has, as she puts it, “no issue?” Of course, her dear departed husband left her the equivalent of $43.5 million American dollars. She needs some help getting the money out of a Nigerian bank and will offer you half if you agree to help her. When you get the email, you can send her the required bank account numbers, etc. to arrange a transfer of funds. You might also have to travel to Nigeria, but, hey, you can write that off as a mission trip for the school. Just think how you could endow the “I-Monk scholarship” at Oneida once you get your money. You could also get tickets for a few Reds games, buy some of Pastor Rod’s books, and get a new ice cream freezer and some new “ink pens.” Watch your inbox for the email.

  12. I don’t do resolutions, but I’ll play along with yours. 🙂

    1. Shoes – freakin’ Hillbilly.
    2. Uuuhh, Mich… never mind. “shakes head”
    3. Give them all these cool new “army necklaces” for little boy soldiers – aka “shock collars” – bZZZZAP!!
    4. Halloween is of the devil – let’s not go there.
    5. You’ll have to come to Lexington more often, or I can meet you at the Golden Corral, or the Chines Buffet.
    6. I’m ‘ona buy you boys some pens.
    7. Fortunately for her, I married a woman who falls asleep really fast and before me.
    8. I’ve never eaten homemade ice-cream, but I did eat some home-made barbecued pork rinds my cousin Junior made though – that’s not made up.
    9. I don’t Twitter. I shall not. It sounds way too silly.
    10. If you end up talking to the Pope, maybe you can get us both special deals and we’ll end up Priests — oooor not.

  13. One of my resolutions should have been to bug you about fishing until I get some trout.

  14. Have you ever heard of the term “catch and release” Michael? That’s a recipe for an empty plate.

  15. What did Jesus fix the disciples for breakfast, Alan?

    I realize that’s a Baptist answer, but pray about it.

  16. I’m going to get a boyfriend. I’m going to get married. I’m going to have tons of great Christian sex.

    Please, Lord?

  17. Kurt McInnis says

    For you non-Southern (or non-hillbilly) readers, when you pronounce “pen” and “pin” the same, you have to add the “ink.”

  18. I made one of those snorting typing of laughs when I read number 5. It still makes me laugh out loud when I think about it.

  19. Too funny,

    As the saying should go, if you don’t aim higher than the knees, you won’t fall lower than the shoe tops. (Or something like that).

    As for a positive note regarding #5. I miraculously lost 8 lbs over Christmas. Which only puts me 91 lbs more than when I got married!

    Might have to cut the amount of blogging I do in the new year to find time for exercise.

  20. I’ll go with you to Golden Corral. Do you need a ride?

  21. Yup, if I see one more blog on Jonathan Edward’s resolutions, I am going to throw up. Enough already. iMonk resolutions are the new wave of church history!!!!

  22. Regarding No. 1, I found that turning the light on when I went out to the kitchen in the middle of the night (or even the afternoon; winter days tend to be dull, grey, overcast and dark round here) helped enormously with my “walking into the furniture” problem.

    I offer this suggestion for what it’s worth 🙂

  23. Nightturkey says

    I hear Target has steel-toed bedroom slippers on sale, maybe you could use that gift card after all.

  24. Thanks for a laugh! Make them repent of their serious lists that end only in disaster.

  25. 1 … quit walking around with your blackberry 😉

    3 … why are you napping when you could be playing army with those kids … are you kidding me??

    I forget the rest of the numbers …

    But if you’re going to make hand-cranked ice cream, you may as well give up on Golden Corral. Going to the latter will give you a heart attack while making the former. It’s a self-limiting proposition … and while life is short, we like your blogging quite a bit.

    I’m of the opinion that the dog and the husband are equally loud snorers … but that’s my house. Your mileage may vary.

  26. Dear imonk,
    On # 8. We have homemade ice cream quite often here in Western Kentucky…come to Ohio County and we’ll make up a batch your choice of flavor. I mean it man, come on down plus you may have already won…..just kiddin on the winning thing but serious about the ice cream.

  27. My parents have the same fake Christmas tree in the dining room window for 2 years. I usually hate fake trees, but I’ve come to love that thing.

  28. Ky boy but not now says

    dumb ox
    “(I didn’t know kids still played army anymore, with on-line roll-playing games like WOWC, Runescape, Tribalwars, Ragnarok, etc. I’m amazed they know where your back yard is, let alone the outdoors in general.)”

    Ah. Someone who hasn’t been around middle school boys lately and learned about air soft. Wish we had it when I was a kid. Basically rubber bullets you actually get to shoot at each other. For real.

  29. #10 – So, go with her. Then you’d get to work on that church from the inside. Then you’d have something else in common.

  30. Jen: did you want iMonk to forward the hundreds of e-mail he’s going to get from single men referencing your post? Or should he just give them your e-mail address and let you sort through them?

    You know, iMonk, this could be your money maker for 2009 — forget the advertising, just start a new site and call it IM-Harmony …

  31. #4 – My dad and his friends used to have a yearly contest to see who could leave their tree up the longest.(Really to see whose wife would snap first and take it down herself.) We made it to July one year before mom went on a swearing jag and made dad clean it up. By then it was a naked brown skeleton hovering over a dull green carpet of dry as dust needles two inches deep, migrating to the center of the room. There is something obscene about tinsel hanging from a tree with no needles.

    I saw another attempt a tree longevity go horribly awry. I went over to the house of a semi well known theology professor (who will remain nameless) to find his son and another friend desperately trying to ram their burning Christmas tree into the fireplace, top first, and up the chimney before the raging conflagration consumed the rest of the tree and destroyed the living room carpet and what was left of the fireplace mantle.
    When I asked “What’s Up?” the reply was “We’re burnin’ the tree.” No $#!#!, was my alarmed reply. It ended badly, but not as bad as it could have been. I quickly dissuaded them from their folly and we doused the flames, then I laughed until I cried.

    I guess the moral of these two mis-adventures is that you will need a fake tree to have a reasonable chance of keeping Resolution #4.

  32. Jen , yes it starts that way, and then you end up taking “The One Day Challenge”
    Imonk, if I were a fundamentalist I would suggest you tie a millstone around those chairs and throw them into the sea as they have become a stumbling block.
    Happy burn the Christmas Tree Day, my favorite part of the holiday!

  33. Imonk, if I were a fundamentalist I would suggest you tie a millstone around those chairs and throw them into the sea as they have become a stumbling block.


  34. Jen,

    My phone number is:


  35. 5. I’m going to try and hang around people heavier than me a lot more. But that’s starting to be a difficult assignment. Guess it’s more trips to Golden Corral to make some new friends.>>>>>

    I almost spit Diet Coke on the monitor when I read that one!!!

  36. I appreciate taking Edwards resolutions lightly. I was formerly guilty of commending them as a great example to follow. Sorry, but it was that unthinking reflex from the “if great puritans did it, then it’s good for everyone”….

  37. Take it easy there Bob. Presbyterians can be driven over cliffs like sheep with too much theology. Back up to some Veggietales.

  38. I loved your list but… #9’s firing option sounds icky…

    Any chance of asking your lovely wife to look at the conservative churches within the LCMS? There are some nice similarities to the RC and she might really like one of my favorite LCMS pastor’s blog quite a bit – Pr. Weedon almost tastes Catholic!

    Beyond that, you might like being Lutheran? You’ve already met one of our fun pastors (Cwirla) He is a hoot and a good pastor too! 🙂

    And yes, I’m unabashedly proselytizing! 🙂

  39. “And yes, I’m unabashedly proselytizing”

    I meant this as a wise-acre joke. I do apologize if I have caused any offense. It was thoughtless of me to make a joke that could be easily misunderstood. Sorry! 🙁

  40. SjB:

    Sorry, but there’s not an LCMS within 2 hours. If there were, it would have been an option. Church planting doesn’t seem to be the LCMS’s strong point.

    One of the big issues is my wife can’t tell me why she’s Catholic. The answer is “God has led me to be Catholic.” That answer doesn’t work very well for me for obvious reasons, so we simply deal with it. And things are going pretty well….finally.


  41. Ouch. I can understand why your lovely wife’s answer would be more than difficult. I am thankful that things are now going better for you. I will add you and your family to my prayers. I wish I could offer more.

    Another ouch on the LCMS. Like all denominations, it has it’s weaknesses and problems. Even if there was an LCMS church nearby, it may not have been a good one. We do have too many churches that are dipping deeply into the Saddle Back. Leonard Sweet, and other negative teachings in the evangelical churches.

  42. 1. If I could figure out how to stop smacking my tennis-elbow elbow on doorjambs, maybe I could be of more help. (see #5)

    2. xxx

    3. Get a paintball gun. You can take care of the invaders and have a great time to boot!

    4. Mine sat on the front porch for all of 2008, much to the embarrassment of my teenagers. Not qualified to assist ya, bro. (though, actually, considering that it embarrassed my kids, it counts as a Win, right?)

    5. I seem to be too wide to get thru a doorway without smacking my tennis-elbow elbow on the doorjamb. Come on out to NM and we’ll hit up the Golden Corral!

    6. I did that once. They all had children and took over that junk drawer in the kitchen. I think they breed in there, or something…

    7. Let’s have a contest between your dog and mine. Maybe that will distract the wives from the other problem (us).

    8. Agreed. I have an electric-driven thingie that’s only been used once, by my count. I should make some diabetic-safe stuff that doesn’t use fartitol for a sweetener. Ah yes, sweet motivation…

    9. If I get fired (likely), I’m going to start producing cheesy rip-off videos to show in churches, like the one we had this X-mas where The Linebacker would hammer people who said “Merry X-mas”. Hey, if somebody can produce something that’s wrong on so-o-o-o many levels, surely I can do it too!

    10. While you’re at it, see if he can donate a couple quarts of hollandaise to put on your eggs.

  43. Whoops– that “xxx” on the previous post was a placeholder that I was supposed to go back and fix. Honest, it’s not a buncha kisses. I don’t swing thataway… :-[

  44. It’s been scientifically proven that any reduction in stubbing your toes will result in increased incidents of accidently hitting your head on things.

  45. Headless Unicorn Guy says

    Never mind the More Spiritual Than Thou resolutions; I’ll be content just to get my house repaired and repainted, and write that SF novel I’ve been outlining for some time.

  46. I’m completely with you on #7 but I fear I’m louder than the dog. 😉