September 30, 2020

Midweek Monkery 5/22/13

monks ale

Yesterday, we learned that some denominations are considering making 45 the age cut-off for ordination. Since I haven’t seen 45 for a few years and am much closer to many higher numbers (that will remain unmentioned), today’s Midweek Monkery features some smiles and laughs I’ve had lately with regard to the subject of getting older.

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Jack Benny BirthdayJack Benny didn’t set his sights low enough

I get to serve some of the most delightful people in the world. The other day I was visiting a man who was enjoying his 95th birthday. Reminding him of Jack Benny’s famous “stuck on 39” schtick, I asked him, “So how old are you, Frank? 39?” He paused and thought for a moment, smiled, and said, “36!”


Great Grandma Grace

My great grandmother lived to a wonderful old age — 103. Her name was Grace and her life embodied that virtue. When our children were little, we used to take the drive over to St. Joseph, Michigan every year to celebrate her birthday with her — on Halloween. They loved to go see “Grandma Great Great,” as they called her. One time, I think it was when she was 98 years old, we took her out to a restaurant that would give you the number of your age as a percentage off your meal bill. The young waitress stuttered and stumbled a bit when we told her Grandma was 98. All she could think of to do was to follow normal procedure, which was to ask the birthday person to produce a driver’s license! I’m actually not sure my great grandma had ever driven a car, but we had a good laugh and asked the waitress if she thought she could trust the little lady (well under 5 feet tall) with the pure white hair that she was telling the truth. Of course, she did.


This one’s for Matthew B. Redmond:

One of my favorite stories in recent days is the piece out of Texas about the 105 year old woman who was asked the secret to her long life. The answer should have been obvious: “Bacon,” she said. “I eat bacon every day.”

Her delightful interview caught the attention of one of America’s premier bacon producers, and they decided to give her a gift. Here’s the news report:




When the famous fitness guru Jack LaLanne turned 93, an interviewer asked him how he felt. “I feel great,” he said. “I have sex almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday . . . ”


old and youngLarry Miller’s unique take on the aging process

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.”How old are you?”  “I’m four and a half!”  You’re never thirty-six and a half.  You’re four and a half, going on five!  That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back.  You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. “How old are you?”  “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . You become 21. Yessss!!!

But then you turn 30.  Oooohh, what happened there?  Makes you sound like bad milk! He turned; we had to throw him out.  There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling.  What’s wrong?  What’s changed?

You become 21, you turn 30, then you’re pushing 40.  Whoa!  Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you reach 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!  You make it to 60.  You didn’t think you would!

So you become 21, turn 30, push 40, reach 50 and make it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you hit 70!

After that it’s a day-by-day thing; in the middle of the week you finally hit Wednesday!

You get in to your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you hit lunch; it turns 4:30; you reach bedtime.  And it doesn’t end there.  Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was just 92.”

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.  “I’m 104 and a half!”

luther-shadesAge Has Its Advantages

Journalists were interviewing Molly Holderness, a 103-year-old woman, ‘Tell us, Mrs Holderness, what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

Molly smiled and simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

luther-shadesPeople My Age…

Finally, a song from one of my favorite singer-songwriters, John Gorka. And while you’re watching, listen carefully, all you folks from Pennsylvania and New Jersey, and make sure you watch your diet. You don’t want to get on the road to lookin’ gross.



  1. It’s probably been 25 years since I’ve seen John Gorka…kinda lookin’ gross.


  2. Turns out that bacon may just be the secret to a longer life …here’s a link to an article we discussed on-air last week in a conversation with Dr. Don Clark, our resident biochemist. This may reopen some eyes and help return us to dietary sanity (but probably not) …


    • Headless Unicorn Guy says

      Does anybody remember Sleeper by Woody Allen?

      IRL I’m currently in the watch-and-re-test phase of a prostate cancer scare with my urologist due to rising PSA levels and dropping Free PSA percentage. When I mentioned this at work, the local alternative medicine type immediately started asking me “You Eat Meat, Don’t You?”, referring to studies du jour (probably to be contradicted by next week’s studies) that “Eating Meat Causes Cancer” and waving their own health food shtick as a magic shield. (If Vegans are immortal, why do plant-eaters get eaten as meat?)

      • Robert F says

        Often these health food alternative medicine types are also into a “you create your own reality” philosophy that is heavy at laying any calamity that befalls us at our own feet, which in my eyes often involves blaming the victim when they’re at their most vulnerable. My father died of complications from prostate cancer, and I’m in the bracket of those with increased danger of developing the disease due to heredity. My prayers are with you, HUG.

        • Headless Unicorn Guy says

          At least I don’t have any family history of it.

          And guess what arrived in the mail this morning?
          Junk mail. but not just any junk mail —
          Looks like I’m on the mailing list for a local mortuary!
          (Just checked my closet in case Rod Serling was hiding around here somewhere…)

    • Headless Unicorn Guy says

      Unfortunately, the article seems to promote yet another special diet instead of low-fat to head off heart disease. More of a “natural foods” diet against all processed/refined foods. (Like “works of Man” instead of “works of Mother Gaia”.) How do I know this isn’t just another Live Forever Fad Diet? We get a new one of those every week or so, each one promising the same thing and denouncing the previous one.

  3. Robert F says

    As my French friends say, “Tout est bon dans un cochon.”

    • “Tout est bon dans un cochon.” “Everything is good in a pig?”

      Oh, I do like ham. And bacon, once I cut off the fat.

      • Christiane says

        French Canadian ‘tortierre’ (meat pie) made with ground pork . . . so good!
        My aunt Yvonne made the best tortierre . . . it was my father’s all-time favorite meal!