January 22, 2021

Help For People Who Know All About Me

I got a letter yesterday that asked how my chaplaincy training was going, which was a nice thing to ask, except I’m not in chaplaincy training or any other kind of training. I added this to my collection of communications telling me that I am resigning my job, joining the Roman Catholic Church and so on.

When I had sabbatical orientation, they told all of us that this sort of thing would happen. No matter how well you communicated what you were doing on your sabbatical, well-meaning (and otherwise motivated) people would make up all kinds of fiction to explain your absence.

So in order to help those of you who are reading this web page and drawing highly fictional conclusions about what’s going on in my life, I have decided to help you put together something that will, at least, be moderately interesting.

Here’s how you play. I’ll construct a few sentences with several multiple choice components, then you can choose what you like and pass it on as you wish. I promise you what you’ll come up with with my help will be far more interesting than saying I’m involved in chaplaincy training.

Here we go.

“Michael is at…..”

a. The Vatican
b. McDonald’s University
c. Yankee Stadium
d. The Mayo Clinic
e. A small snake-handling church
f. the home of an experienced mob hit man

“(action verb)”

a. studying
b. eating
c. sleeping
d. praying
e. swearing
f. hiding

“so he can….”

a. become the head of a major criminal organization
b. be recognized as a super hero
c. DJ
d. write a best-selling novel
e. bat 4th for the Yankees
f. escape the FBI

“Be sure and say that you heard this from….”

a. Bill O’Reilly
b. Leviticus 18
c. A still, small voice
d. Radiohead
e. A White House spokesperson
f. a reliable gnome

“Michael wants you to tell everyone that…”

a. the burnt offering will be Friday night at the campground.
b. you’ll love the hair transplant.
c. they should change the story and whisper it to the next kid.
d. Paul is dead.
e. Todd Bentley is the next Spiritual Emphasis Week speaker, so wear a helmet.
f. Jesus is just alright with you too.

“Seriously, if you want to know the real story…”

a. play this post backwards.
b. pray, then open the Bible to a random page and point to a verse.
c. watch TBN tonight at 9:03 p.m. and pay close attention to the lady with the pink hair.
d. arrange this post without spaces or punctuation, then look for coded phrases.
e. make a monthly pledge to Internet Monk ministries and we’ll mail you the truth.
f. Look on the back of your pants.


  1. Freakin’ brilliant. I always knew I knew more about you than you did. I’ll be sending my seed money soon.

  2. Well, at least you didn’t use an “action verb” that implied that you were getting “action.”

  3. If you were really ambitious, the answer to all of the questions would be “all of the above”.

  4. Someone’s head would asplode.

    Actually, I’m writing the iMonkSV, a Bible for angry Catholic apologists and wavering emerging Protestants.

    One of the Books is I Mclaren.

  5. Seriously, I heard that Michael is in the front row at Lakeland for the duration, hopin to get a smackin and that all of these answers are a smoke-screen for the REAL story.

    Jus’ what I heard anyway.

  6. Ha! This is great.

  7. “Todd Bentley is the next Spiritual Emphasis Week speaker…….”

    I heard it was going to be Jeremiah Wright.

    …….or was it Fred Phelps?

  8. Why didn’t you just say that you were at a small, snake-handling curch studying so that you can write a best-selling novel? Totally believable.

  9. Brother, you are a trip.
    Mucas grass from the Lone Star State.

  10. The iMonkSV sounds very helpful. If it will answer all my questions, I will take 5 copies. One for me and four for those close friends who just need to see the light. : ) Will it be available at the iMonk online store soon? Maybe you could sell it through Lifeway. I hear they carry all sorts of different books these days.
    Thanks for the light hearted fun and serious discussion forums both. I pray that your sabbatical continues to go well.

  11. Michael is at e e so he can d. Be sure and say you heard this from e. Michael wants you to tell everyone that e. Seriously, if you want to know the real story d.

    Close? Close enough? 🙂

  12. aaron arledge says

    Michael is training to go on staff with Osteen.

  13. Well … this is the most fun I’ve seen in a long time. I could just play with these and laugh for hours.

  14. IMonk,

    I didn’t see your e-mail on the side bar. I was just wondering if you got my comments from the Dr. Hahn entry?

  15. Radagast says

    Paul is dead… funny… your showin’ your age…

  16. Paul is dead but John is alive.
    Don’t you read good Christian (fiction) literature?

  17. Get the White Album.

  18. You’re in a great mood, unusually witty, so I take that everything is well and you’re having a great time. It must be working.

    BTW, everyone here thinks you’re dead.

  19. A still, small voice told me that Todd Bentley hit you in the face with a rattlesnake to heal you from small pox, but I don’t think it’s true because I don’t have a peace about it.

  20. Clark,

    I got a full email begging me not to go into chaplaincy wherever it is that I am getting chaplaincy training.

    But, of course.


  21. Michael is at…..the home of an experienced mob hit man studying so he can… DJ. Be sure and say that you heard this from a reliable gnome. Michael wants you to tell everyone that the burnt offering will be Friday night at the campground. Seriously, if you want to know the real story… pray, then open the Bible to a random page and point to a verse.


    *open bible*

    *Random Verse!*

    Haha, heading is “The Lord’s Answer”, this is annointed already!

    “Then the Lord Replied:

    “Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a hearld may run with it. For the revelation awaits an apppointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”

    Haha! I couldn’t have picked a better verse if I tried!

  22. P.S. If you’re DJing at the “burnt offering” on friday, that party is gonna ROCK! I’ll be there man!

  23. Bob Sacamento says

    Actually, I was thinking you had gone into the Witness Protection Program.

  24. I’ve been chuckling for hours.

  25. Robert Encinitas says

    So, yes, I’ve been seeing you at Disneyworld. Your hat threw me off. You could have posted some pictures. Them 6 week passes are quite the bargain aren’t they. I hope to catch you tomorrow.

    It’s a small world after all.

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