April 25, 2019

Group Seeks Genesis Ban

'Will Hart - Angry Business Man - 1991' photo (c) 2010, Will Hart - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/By Chaplain Mike

A Christian group, concerned about moral breakdown in American society, is pushing for a ban on the book of Genesis.

A spokesperson for “People Involved in Saving, Securing, and Defending the Old-Fashioned Family” (PISSDOFF), said that decent citizens have come together to protest the publication and distribution of Bibles containing Genesis. They say that our culture cannot go on promoting materials like Genesis to our children without devastating consequences.

Jonathan Fussminder, a parent and activist for the group said, “This book [Genesis] is a classic case of the devil’s bait and switch. It opens with an outstanding scientific depiction of how God created the universe, but then you turn the page and you have two people running around naked in a garden! That’s Satan’s way. He draws you in with something that sounds good, and before you know it, you are looking at pornography. ‘They were naked and not ashamed’? That is exactly how the world wants us to feel about immorality! No shame! I wouldn’t want my boys reading a book like this for anything.”

When asked if that passage was the only one to which he and the other members of PISSDOFF objected, Fussminder rolled his eyes and said, “Oh my, no. Genesis is filled with R-rated material at best. You’ve got violent killings, parents having sex with their own children, men giving their wives away to harems to save their own skin, sodomy, lies, deceit, polygamy, child-slavery, seduction, and so many explicit sexual scenes and references that I’m embarrassed to even talk about them.”

When this reporter asked about the fact that some people consider Genesis to be “God’s Word,” Fussminder became animated. “God’s Word? God’s Word? That just shows how far into decadence we’ve fallen. Can you imagine a good and holy God inspiring a book like this? Can you imagine God asking parents to tell these stories to their children? They’d be warped for life!

“No, this most certainly is NOT God’s Word! How it got into the Bible we don’t know, but the fact that it is in there may point to one of the most insidious conspiracies in history. We are pushing hard for publishers to delete Genesis from future Bibles. And we are also going to keep investigating. If Genesis got snuck in there, who knows what might be in some of the other books? As we speak, PISSDOFF has teams of readers combing through the other books in the Bible so that we can root out this kind of immoral and corrupting material.

“Just recently, I heard a rumor that the very next book, Exodus, may contain depictions of infanticide, murder, nightmarish and gory plagues straight from the latest horror movies, idol-worship, immoral partying, and more sexual perversion. Who knew? I certainly never read any of that from the Bible Promise Loaf we had on our kitchen table when I was a kid!”

So your work won’t be ending with Genesis? Fussminder was asked.

“No way!” he replied. “We’re PISSDOFF, and we are not going to take it anymore! We are here to protect the children of America from these sick and perverted influences, and we won’t stop until we’ve cleaned it all up, from Genesis to Revelation.”

Comments

  1. I read on the Christian Post that Pastor Mike Screamalot, along with Mark Sissycoll and James Lipdub from “We’re Going to Focus on Your Family” have joined the campaign!!! 😛

  2. Yes sir! I’m laughing!! 🙂

    • This is almost more “too true to be funny” than “too funny to be true.” Either way, though, CM wins the Internet!

  3. Reminds me of when, back in high school, I was quoting a passage from the Song of Songs, and one of the older adults who monitored our youth group spun around and said, “What is that smut you’re reading?” I held up my bible.

  4. Richard McNeeley says

    Very funny!

  5. Wow. I know this is satire a la Onion, but it’s not that far off from the real thing. Which of course is what makes it so effective and even scary. Reminds me of the unbelievable YT video of the “pisseth against the wall” preacher. Except in his case I think he was actually being serious!

    • that video, if real (looked like it), a sad commentary on just what is being passed off as serious bible teaching…

      yikes…

      Lord, have mercy… 🙁

  6. Silly PISSDOFF people, the simpler approach is to simply declare the text as mythology and allegory thereby rendering it harmless fiction. Much more effective.

    • or to have a sanitized version created, edited much like Thomas Jefferson’s New Testament/Gospel ‘fix-up’ that eliminated all the ‘silly’ and/or ‘offensive’ texts.

      heck, have it in a plain white book cover & include the fine print about it being appropriate for whatever target demographic you are trying to market it to…

  7. “That’s Satan’s way. He draws you in with something that sounds good, and before you know it, you are looking at pornography.” You just can’t read a science textbook these days without the devil sneaking in some porn.

    With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!!

  8. Well done. I just read a David Cloud post from his Fundamental Baptist Information Service that Independent Fundamental Baptist preachers are getting obsessed with the bedroom and speaking on topics that were too shameful even to mention in his newsletter. I’m not sure he would catch the humor in this.

    I had my Sunday School class discuss the question, “What have you learned since you’ve gotten older that has most deeply challenged what you were taught in Sunday School as a child?” One girl (college age) said that the thing that shocked her the most was finding out that Samson and Delilah were never married. She said in Sunday School they were always described as husband and wife.

    I have no idea why we have to sanitize the Bible to “protect” people from it.

    • “Independent Fundamental Baptist preachers are getting obsessed with the bedroom and speaking on topics that were too shameful even to mention in his newsletter.”

      Wow. But I bet they also preach from the pulpit in raunchy detail all the naughty things “sinners” do. “Obsessed” is the key word. Freud is laughing his head off.

      • cermak_rd says

        No kidding. Here in Chicago, there used to be a guy, don’t remember his name, everyone in the local blogosphere referred to him as Petey. He would go to gay bathhouses in order to do “research” on their “gross and disgusting” (his words) practices at these places.

      • Headless Unicorn Guy says

        But I bet they also preach from the pulpit in raunchy detail all the naughty things “sinners” do.

        Because that’s the only way for IFBers to get an Officially Sanctioned porn fix. (“JUICY! JUICY! JUICY!”)

  9. Is this an early or late April fools post?

  10. ROFLLMAO! And it isn’t even April Fool’s Day!

  11. Hallaluyeeeeerrrr!

  12. Luther thought a lot of books did not belong in the bible, such as Hebrews, James, and Revelation. Maybe he was right about Revelation: if it wasn’t in the Bible, LeHaye and Linsey would have had to find real jobs.

  13. I actually had this happen when teaching Children’s Church. We were teaching Genesis stories in a church located in a very upper middle class kind of evangelical town, and Mrs. Fussminder said the stories were too graphic for her daughter.

    • cermak_rd says

      I always did think the Lot story might be traumatic for young girls to read. After all, Lot was described as a righteous man. So what does he do? Offers his daughters to the rabble. It sends a clear message that daughters are less important than even strangers.

      And then let’s just gloss over that whole incest thing, ’cause that’s kind of icky.

    • Headless Unicorn Guy says

      We were teaching Genesis stories in a church located in a very upper middle class kind of evangelical town, and Mrs. Fussminder said the stories were too graphic for her daughter.

      IN six words:
      R. CRUMB’S. ILLUSTRATED. BOOK. OF. GENESIS.

  14. One more Mike says

    If Mr. Fussminder is a YEC-er, he’s a man of complex conflicts for sure. Don’t stop at Genesis, get Revelations out of there too, and the YEC-ers and Dispensationalists vanish in a puff of logic! (HT Douglas Adams)

  15. Donalbain says

    I would probably not let the children I eventually have read Genesis until they were of a certain age. Just like I would not let them read the Godfather novels, or anything else as violent.

  16. David Cornwell says

    Another thing; has anyone noticed who Jesus spent all his time with? Plain old sinners! And he didn’t like the self- righteous and said bad things about them. So– what is it with Him? Certain stories could be taken out of the NT to make it a safer read.

    But– we all have a little of that self-righteous thing, don’t we? And all said and done, we are all sinners. Jesus might even come to our house!

  17. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  18. Mike, this is closer to the truth than the truth ever gets. Satire has a way of doing that, zinging the reader or listener into a bit of introspection, unless the person is too far gone to appreciate it.

    One suggestion, however, if you want to publish this beyond the cozy confines of internetmonk: Clean up the name of the organization to something that can be read from the pulpit. And this SHOULD be read from the pulpit, the same as Nathan should have and did provoke David into remorse about his sin with Bathsheba (which, of course, is another of those stories that should be deleted from the Bible).

    No, seriously. Don’t think I’m in the camp of Mr. Fussminder, but the only thing stopping this from being presented widely to the churches that need to hear it is the name. That says that you’re one of those liberal, secular humanist, godless haters of all that is righteous in God’s green earth and beyond, and you won’t be considered at all beyond this blog. Clean it up and you may find that you have the impact of the opening lines of Romans 2 after having read Romans 1 (assuming anyone ever reads Romans 1 without thinking that its sole purpose is to condemn gays… ).

    As Dorothy Sayers said, the only Christian work is good work, well done; and Mike, you have done it.

  19. way too funny for a Friday morning. although i do like the reasons being championed. and the pic is about as perfect as you can get!

    kudos! 😀

  20. MelissaTheRagamuffin says

    Are you auditioning to become a writer for The Onion, Mike? That was hysterical! And I double dog dare you to send it to Mark Driscoll.

  21. Now why would God avoid mentioning the sin present in the world of Genesis? Why wouldn’t we let our kids know that there are snakes in the world and tell them the truth: snakes bite and most of them are poisonous!?

    • David Cornwell says

      I’m very hesitant to shield children from bible stories. My parents never protected me in that manner. I wondered about some of the stories, but somehow knew that God was still in charge. My parents were conservative in many ways (in the old & forgotten sense of the term), but I always read what I wanted to, including “secular” books. I’m so glad they were like this. I’d go to the public library and spend hours sometimes, back in the stacks looking and exploring and reading what I wanted. I remember finding a book with photographs of some very explicit statues. I don’t think they tainted me one bit. I was a little older then, but never remember my mom keeping me out of certain stacks.

      Many of the things that happened in the OT still happen. Evil is real. God’s grace is real. We don’t know about grace without knowing about evil.

      • “We don’t know about grace without knowing about evil.” – that’s so true! I once was blaming my mother for giving me too much liberty when I was a kid. Even if that stands, I was telling it to her not because there was something that could be done to change the present but as an excuse for certain sins in my life. I now have so much peace and joy as God teaches me His grace and fully acknowledge that if I used to systematically sin in a way or another it wasn’t because of the liberty that my mother gave me but because of the liberty of will which God has provided me (and every living human) with.

        God is good, God is merciful, God is just!

      • As that particular age wasn’t that many years ago for me now (just over a decade) I must just remind you guys – when you’re a young child often if you don’t understand something i.e. explicit bible chapters you just sort of move on over it. E.g. the story of Tamar in between Joseph’s. I NEVER remember reading that until it was pointed out to me at a more age appropriate period of my life.

        So I don’t think we need to be too concerned in that aspect. 🙂

  22. Let’s ban the whole bible, especially the part that talks about sin. We wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

  23. All I can say is, it’s about time! Really, descriptions of a naked man and woman running around clad in figleaves – what kinds of sick fetishists wrote this stuff? And did you notice – there’s no mention at all of any pastor, minister or reverend? So Adam and Eve were just living in sin and having kids out of wedlock – is that any kind of example for a good, family-oriented church to give its congregants?

    This is why Catholics never read the Bible at all – much too sinful!

    😉

    • cermak_rd says

      And why fig leaves? Seems that grape leaves would cover a whole lot more of things that need covering…like ankles.

      • and no itch. anyone with half a horticultural mind would not pick fig leaves as a cover, especially ’round those more sensitive parts…

        yeah…a sure sign of the ‘fall’…

        😀

  24. This may be a joke, but I note from the link on the right about “This Week in Christian History” that:

    “July 20, 1910: The Christian Endeavor Society of Missouri begins a campaign to ban all motion pictures that depicted kissing between nonrelatives.”

    The disturbing thing there is, as long as the motion picture could claim the young man was kissing his sister, cousin or aunt, that would be okay – but if it was his fiancée, that was wrong! Talk about Lot and his daughters…hey, at least they weren’t kissing a non-relative!

    • gives new meaning to the term: “kissin’ cousins”…

      😀

    • Headless Unicorn Guy says

      “July 20, 1910: The Christian Endeavor Society of Missouri begins a campaign to ban all motion pictures that depicted kissing between nonrelatives.”

      Big-name Christian (TM) actor Kirk Cameron literally holds to this — every time he has to do a kiss in a film, his RL wife has to be the stand-in “to prevent adultery”. He also was known for locking himself in his greenroom trailer while filming Left Behind to avoid contamination when he learned there were Heathens on the set.

      This is what happens when someone is catechized to define “holiness” in primarily NEGATIVE terms, i.e. only as a list of “Thou Shalt Nots”.

  25. This “old fashioned family” that they want to preserve–how old fashioned are we talking? Is polygamy on the table? Concubines?

    • crazy consideration that…

      seriously. can you imagine trying to keep an honest relationship going with multiple wives?

      i mean at the emotional/psychological level. it seems to be a no-win situation for the wives/concubines not held in highest regard by the one man…

      certainly God had something better in mind, no???

      • and before we get into the Bride+Bridegroom concept of Jesus & The Church…

        remember, the church by definition made up of multiple members. yeah. maybe God is the only One that can make a plural unity of individuals into a singular concept…

        my mind has quite the problem with it though… 🙁

  26. conanthepunctual says

    Love it.

  27. mountainguy says

    If Mr Fussminder has his way the bible will be left only with boring list of names like:

    The sons of Japheth were Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras. 3 The sons of Gomer were Ashkenaz, Riphath,[a] and Togarmah. 4 The sons of Javan were Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.[b] 5 From these the coastland peoples of the Gentiles were separated into their lands, everyone according to his language, according to their families, into their nations.
    6 The sons of Ham were Cush, Mizraim, Put,[c] and Canaan. 7 The sons of Cush were Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, and Sabtechah; and the sons of Raamah were Sheba and Dedan.
    8 Cush begot Nimrod; he began to be a mighty one on the earth. 9 He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; therefore it is said, “Like Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD.” 10 And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, Erech, Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar. 11 From that land he went to Assyria and built Nineveh, Rehoboth Ir, Calah, 12 and Resen between Nineveh and Calah (that is the principal city).
    13 Mizraim begot Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim, 14 Pathrusim, and Casluhim (from whom came the Philistines and Caphtorim).
    and a LONG etc etc etc

  28. Headless Unicorn Guy says

    After all, this WAS the book of the Bible illustrated by R Crumb…

  29. Just wanted to support the use of occasional, appropriate cussing. Like other cultural taboos (talking about death and grief, for instance, like a recent IM column), I find that a lot of thoughtful people know when to break these “rules”.