September 19, 2020

From David Hayward, The Naked (or Nekkid) Pastor

chart

Comments

  1. I go with “or else”….

  2. You do know the difference between naked and nekkid? The former means not having on any clothes; the latter means not having on any clothes and being ready for, shall we say, “action.”

    As for the chart, maybe we had better postpone adding slides for the children to go down to their classroom area and other such expenditures supposedly designed to promote church growth. Maybe Jesus was right about many being called, but few being chosen–a really chilling thought!

  3. Funny, when the miracles trail off and Jesus starts preaching more about self-denial and the greatest commandment, the numbers drop off.

  4. Patrick H. says

    If only he had targetted the right upper-middle-class demographic, planted a large church (building) near some busy highways, and offered Starbucks coffee instead of bread and fish, he might have been more successful by our standards.

    But Christ is the standard… Right? Right? sigh…

  5. sue kephart says

    I know, I know, it’s supposed to be a joke. I am not sure where that 600 number came from, however, I think the graph illustrates quite nicely that without the Body there is no Church.

  6. If I remember right, go forward just a few days and that graph will move up quickly.
    fishon

  7. If only someone gave him a copy of “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Saviours”…

  8. 1) Looks like “pruning the branches that bear no fruit” to me.
    2) Can’t you get those links from other sites out of the comment field? I am no computer guy.

  9. …its an optical illusion people..stare at the center of the chart for 2 minutes while blinking your eyes…

  10. Church recovery plan 2010:

    1) Split services by age to be more “relevant”
    2) Life Coaches
    3) Life Groups
    4) Coffee bar; casual rec room service; video feed
    5) Rockin’ praise band, preferably comprised of good looking people
    6) More buildings (and money)
    7) Topical “relevant” sermons on life issues and self-help topics(gospel optional).

    Church recovery plan AD 33:

    1a) Empty tomb. 1b) Resurrected Jesus.

    🙂

  11. Well, you’ll always have a bigger crowd at the pot luck than at the prayer meeting.

  12. Kenny Johnson says

    It reminds me of a sermon I heard from Francis Chan (Cornerstone), where he said that if Jesus had a church in the same town as his, that his church would be more popular than Jesus’.

  13. If (hypothetically) Jesus came back as a pastor, would he fair any better? When the cultural warfare neo-cons couldn’t bend him to their agendas, they would start a smear campaign that would make the Pharisee’s entrapments look like child’s play. If he didn’t tickle the ears of the congregation, he would be run out of town on a rail. Just imagine if the denomination central office saw attendance fall off like that! Imagine if he dined with “sinners”?

    How about the telling people to keep quiet about His miracles? Just think of the missed publicity opportunity? Think of the souls that could have been “reached”.

    From the sounds of Isaiah 53, Jesus is too plain-looking to do well on religious television. What if he overturns the money tables of the faith-prosperity charlatans? How intolerant and judgemental! And preaching with authority: what? another rival stepping into the evangelical leadership vacuum? The competition would eat him alive.

    The only audience he would have is with the poor, outcast and hopless…hmmm, the same audience he had the first time!

  14. John and Patrick H hit the nail right on the head

  15. rampancy says

    If (hypothetically) Jesus came back as a pastor, would he fair any better? When the cultural warfare neo-cons couldn’t bend him to their agendas, they would start a smear campaign that would make the Pharisee’s entrapments look like child’s play. If he didn’t tickle the ears of the congregation, he would be run out of town on a rail. Just imagine if the denomination central office saw attendance fall off like that! Imagine if he dined with “sinners”?

    Reminds me of the controversial Boondocks episode “The Return of the King” which has a similar situation unfold only with Martin Luther King emerging from a coma instead of Jesus returning.

  16. Brilliant.

  17. Hmm, sad to say, our highest recent attendance was for a funeral. This reminds me of a poster put out several years ago by a Christian ad project that showed a casket being carried by six pallbearers (only the hands showed) asking something like: will it take six strong men to get you back to church?

  18. Ha! Good stuff. I’m glad I found this site; ever since The Wittenburg Door stopped publishing its magazine, I’ve been hurting for good satire.

  19. So the first drop would be roughly the sermon on the mount –

    “Wow that’s a bit tough, I want to keep eyeing up the ladies, I’ll go back to the preacher who said ‘you can look but don’t touch’ this Jesus is too strict”

    The next must be the whole bit in John 6:

    “He said WHAT??!! That’s disgusting, this guy is crazy, he wants us to eat him, like literally!” (perhaps the first example of over literalistic interpretation of Jesus’ words?)

    And of course the final drop would be the crucifixion:

    “well that Messiah was a disaster, we didn’t even get a real fight! Back to fishing until the next one comes along, then it’ll be Roman backside kicking time!”

    Of course if we looked at the next time period…