September 19, 2020

A Shocking Confession

I’m sorry to have to share this kind of personal information at my blog, but I just can’t help myself.

Something terrible has happened.

Denise, I’m sorry you have to read this, but I have to tell the truth. I can’t keep it in.

Everything that’s happened is the fault of a woman; an evil, possessive woman toying with my very soul.

Yes, I’m married, but I’m only human. For years now, I’ve had a relationship, a strange, obsessive relationship, with a woman who could do for me what no other woman could do.

I’ve seen her several times a week, sometimes near where I live, sometimes when I travel. Our meetings have been brief, but regular. My devotion has been intense. This relationship is a passion, even if a guilty one. I thought it was under control, but now I’ve seen that there was so much more to it than I ever was willing to admit.

Now…now she’s done something that has changed everything. I never thought it would come to this. I never thought she would hurt me so much and make me have to go in front of the whole world and confess my love for her.

But that’s what it’s all come to. So….I’m telling all, and I don’t care what happens. If this is the end of the life and reputation I’ve earned, then so be it. I have to choose, and this woman is worth it.

debLittle Debbie has raised the price of her Oatmeal Cream Pies from 35 cents to 50 cents. I know. Shocking. I’m still stunned. They’re now way cheaper in the box of a dozen.

Oh, I know what she’s thinking. She’s thinking I’ll go away; that my devotion and love for her can’t weather this storm. She thinks I’ll choose books or clothes over her Oatmeal Cream Pie.

But she’s wrong. I’m not giving you or your little Oatmeal Cream Pies up, Debbie. Not this easily. It will take more than a fifteen cent price increase to get rid of me. I’ll sacrifice. I’ll get a second job. But I won’t stop our lifelong affair.

You’re part of me, Little Debbie. You’re probably several pounds of me, to be truthful. I can’t imagine life without you. Looking for you, every day after school. Calling out to me from your shelf. You know I’m powerless…and this is what you to do the man who loves you?

So you’ve made it a little more difficult in these bad economic times, but I’m still here. Still wanting you. Still determined to have you for my very own. I’m going to eat those Oatmeal Cream Pies no matter what anyone says. If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Go ahead. Think 75 cents or a dollar. Life is more than money. I won’t go away.

[Note: It gives me real pleasure to know that the people who monitor my writing to see if I say anything really shocking or offensive so they can forward it along have just had a minor stroke. Hope you had your medication handy. Keep reading.]

Comments

  1. Little Debbie – that tart! She may have had flings with you guys but with us, it was real thing. Or so she said… cue Tainted Love by Soft Cell

    On a serious note… a friend of mine worked for McKee Foods and said that the Oatmeal Cream Pie was their most profitable product. Why? Because it was made up of all the leftovers from the other snacks. Does that make you love her more? Or less?

  2. Michael, I hear Haggard’s accountability team isn’t busy, if you need some help.

    Also — here’s question from an ignorant Yankee:

    Notice to Lutherans – diet RC is known as Diet-Rite Cola. I don’t recommend it though. RC and Little Debbie cupcakes….if I ever had a food addiction, those would top the list.

    I thought the RC was Royal Crown (er…the cola, not the whisky).

  3. Cindy.

    Correct on RC = Royal Crown

    Diet Rite is a whole family of no calorie, no caffeine no salt drinks.

  4. You don’t happen to know a Mrs. Butterworth as well? That could open another category of sin.

  5. Dave Wells says

    I survived my freshman year in college thanks to Little Debbie – a Fudge Round and a cup of coffee were all I could afford for lunch every day!

  6. “Well, this post was for the benefit of those who watch my online behavior, so I hope they had a good time.”
    Michael, your offline behavior is a whole ‘nuther thing. We had a good time there too.

  7. I made an amazing (if I may say so) Buche de Noel for Christmas at my in-laws’ house this year: from scratch, with real whipped cream filling, fancy chocolate glaze, and painstakingly rolled, unrolled and filled, and re-rolled. Let me add that my husband’s family are all from Tennessee, which is the only thing that can explain the exclamation from my dear mother- and sister-in-law that “It’s just like a big old Little Debbie cake!” They meant it as a compliment, so I took it that way. 🙂

    No matter how much Flanney O’Connor and Faulkner I read, I will never understand southerners. But I have come to love my MIL’s cheese grits.

  8. I thought for sure you were bringing a sweet female stray dog home for your wife to take care of (ha).

  9. Sorry. I was being punny to the point of absurdity. (“RC” is also an abreviation for something completely different.)

  10. This is gold! I’m sure those walking outside my house would be thinking there was a lunatic in here with how i have been laughing these last 5 minutes straight.

  11. We cannot tolerate this. 50 cents for little Debby. Maybe we can put them on the boycott list.

    “Hey kids. This year we cannot eat Little Debbies or go to Disney World. We’re cheap Christians.”

  12. Would it make you feel any better if you knew Little Debbie was actually a 6 ft 5 man with a bass voice and a beard? AUGH!!!!!

    Flee from youthful temptations!

    Be HEALED!!!! 🙂