November 26, 2020

A Few Book Ideas I’m Working On

I’m sure everyone knows I’m working on book proposals and hoping for good news soon. In the meantime, I wanted to share with you some of the book ideas I’ve got in my notebook. I have to make some decisions soon because I can’t write them all.

Let’s see what the reading public has to say.

The Snack: The Snack is the story of a man who receives a message from God in a Little Debbie oatmeal cake and is told by God to meet him at the Montgomery Biscuits’ stadium for a weekend series. There God appears to him as an umpire, a vendor and a little kid who keeps kicking his seat.

This Is Your Best Wife? Wow: This book helps husbands do all the little things that will change their wives from dowdy church matrons to hot pastorettes. Special section on how to behave on an airplane.

The Institutions of the Christian Religion: This two-volume work on various institutions may be published in time for my 53rd birthday, and my fans all over the world could study it for a year.

2009 Reasons Jesus Probably Won’t Return in 2009: Self explanatory. We’ve got a lot of important things going on.

Christless Christianity: A hot new church growth idea!

Angels and Deacons: A story of the struggle that goes on between good pastors and bad church leaders, featuring a full examination of the strange, cryptic, symbolic things deacons say in their meetings, like “Someone needs to go by the nursing home” and “Who keeps taking my pencils?”

I’m Sick Of All This Purpose Driven Crap: If you don’t get this, I can’t help you.

Twilight: The Christian Version: Christian vampires in Arkansas have been living peacefully in their out-of-the-way compound until one of them starts a CCM group and falls for a groupie. Lots of scenes of the young lady admiring her vampire boyfriend’s ESV Study Bible and protecting her from liberal Methodists.

Exposing The Scandal of Christian Stay-At-Home Dads: In the midst of a complementarian revival, some men refuse to take off the apron and put down the diapers. This book will examine the damage being done to Christian children whose mothers are doctors and whose dads stay home to cook and care for them.

Mark Driscoll’s Really Awful Sermons on The Song of Solomon Illustrated: Available under the counter. ID required.

N.T. Wright Is A Cross-Dressing Communist Sissy Who Cheats At Scrabble And Really Worships The Devil: I’d serve as editor for this serious and dispassionate examination of N.T. Wright by various well-known reformed bloggers.

Jesus Wants You Rich! And Driving A Porsche! With Two Hot Blonds Inside!: A basic guide to American approaches to discipleship.

My Journey to Cleveland, Tennessee: With all the “My Journey To Rome” type books, I thought I could convert to a well known Pentecostal denomination, and describe the various steps in the process. “I found myself strangely drawn to the idea of pushing people until they fell on the carpet.”

How to Waste Time Watching TV and Movies and Call It “Sermon Research.”: Again, self-explanatory.

I Really Love Cold Buttermilk: I don’t think anyone has done this one yet.

Love Is An Irritation: A Christian young man has three friends reveal that they’re gay, so he begins a ministry to be as irritating to as many gays as possible in revenge. Soon is speaking in churches all over the midwest.

Any ideas?

Comments

  1. “N.T. Wright Is A Cross-Dressing Communist Sissy Who Cheats At Scrabble And Really Worships The Devil”

    Even if some of the essays in this book actually support Wright or only very mildly critique him, be sure to end the book with an editorial essay explaining how this volume has once and for all “refuted” the New Perspective on Paul.

  2. I would buy the Christian Twilight. I would then proceed to make fun of it endlessly, but I would buy it none-the-less.

    My only idea right now (After a handful of discussions): How Not To Read a Book. You too can declare an author a heretic or universalist without even cracking the spine. Learn how to watch the most influential YouTube videos, hear the best radio shows, and download the best podcasts on how to miss the point and focus on pull quotes. Learn how to dismiss and demean people without knowing their actual stance on an issue – all without even knowing the actual name of the author in question. Our book is so good that not even the people who said good things on the back cover were allowed to read it!

  3. The Unstudied Study Bible

  4. I’m waiting for some kind of attempt at theology from anyone in the prosperity or word-faith camp.

    And I’m waiting for the latest self-help book to be sold in Christian bookstores everywhere and on Christian radio and TV programs, about you pulling yourself up by your boostraps and leading yourself into being sorry enough to earn God’s forgiveness and trying hard enough to overcome all of your screwups.

    I hear one of the 2009 reasons is that the Kentucky Wildcat fans in the body of Christ believe God owes them a national title after nine years of Tubby w/o winning a championship and two years of Billy Clyde taking the program into NIT glory (j/n)

  5. The Dekkernomicon

  6. Debbie Does the Amish Country

  7. Leif Erickson says

    This made me laugh out loud several times. Here’s one: “Cleft Behind.” A man’s wretchedly urgent race against time as he tries to prove that a demonic cabal cracked his hind quarters, not realizing that *everyone’s* is cracked.

  8. sue kephart says

    how about; Why I converted to Catholicism or How not to unstick a fat Lady from a tub.

  9. How to Keep Your Teen Off Drugs, Out of Bed, in School, Out of the Arts and Humanities, in Church, and Out of Your Hair

  10. ProdigalSarah says

    Thanks. I really needed the laugh tonight.

    If you are looking for a very brief book project what about

    A Critique Of The Most Memorable Contemporary Praise Songs

  11. If you’re interested in some interfaith writing, you could always do a “What would Muhammad do?” book.
    Since “What would Buddha do?” is already taken.

  12. …dear god… a special section on how to behave on airplanes..
    …must…. stop…. laughing… to…. breathe….

  13. You already had some great ideas. Additionally I would love to see you name on one of these:

    The Massage Bible (the complete guide to techniques, oils, and essence)

    The Leaf in/the Behind Series (The campers’ guide to when nature calls)

    Become a Better Jew:
    7 Keys to Improving You Everyday Strife (self explan.)

    Blue Like Pies (makes no sense . . . just like the real title)

  14. “My Journey to Cleveland, Tennessee” is my personal choice, because I have been to charismatic services and I can’t seem to fall down on cue. I have never been able to figure out what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s genetic.

    A better book for you might be “Why I thought about Rome, but decided the plane fare was not in my budget.”

  15. “God’s Most Glorified When We’re Most Calvinified in Him” – John Piper

    “I Secretly Wish I Were the Pope: A Memoir” – N.T. Wright

    “There’s No ‘U’ in Ministry: A Woman’s Guide” – Mark Driscoll

    all this is from Eugene Cho’s blog at:

    http://eugenecho.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/the-most-anti-essential-christian-books/#more-3713

  16. The New Children’s Instant Obedience Study Bible: changing “Thus saith the Lord” to “Simon says.”

    The Complete Evangelical Idiot’s Guide for Dummies

    Michael, I notice you wrote …Two Hot Blonds Inside Blonds is in the masculine. LOL

  17. Here’s a couple for ya.

    Enter the Llama: John Calvin and Jacobus Arminius are reincarnated as a two-headed pack animal in Peru. When it’s not arguing with itself, it uses its martial arts skills to fight Jesuit priests in ninja outfits. Note: This would probably work better as a screenplay.

    The Porpoise-Driven Church: The chronicle of how a group of monastic charismatics from Orlando have learned to hear the voice of God through the secret languages of sea mammals.

  18. Go fiction. Go Peretti style.

    Some pastor’s chest is turning black and oozing because he’s not preaching enough sermons about the gays and the evils of American Idol.

    Kirk Cameron will star in the movie.

  19. Here’s another one.

    The Omega Toad: A special forces team of Messianic Jews breaks into an underground compound beneath the Vatican, where they use secret Bible codes and a laptop computer to trigger a worldwide plague of flesh-eating frogs.

  20. Go with “Christless Christianity.” Seems like a lot of churches don’t really have much to do with Christ anyways, so this book would basically write itself.

    I would totally buy it.

  21. BAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

  22. Surprised by the Pope? (Actually, maybe that could be the title for the book whose subtitle is “N.T. Wright Is A Cross-Dressing Communist Sissy Who Cheats At Scrabble And Really Worships The Devil”.)

    A New Kind of Fundamentalist: Same as the Old Kind, Really.

    Ooh, or even better: Everything Must Stay the Same.

  23. “The Snack” sounds like a winner, except that I’m very sure that God only speaks through Tastycakes.

  24. Release those as e-books, and you might – just might – persuade me to buy a Kindle…

  25. “Saving Ryan’s Privates” — Convincing a young soldier through Scripture to not have a sex change operation.

  26. My favorite line:

    “I found myself strangely drawn to the idea of pushing people until they fell on the carpet.”

  27. This is great, Michael. My favorite was “The Snack.”

    Ron, Your ” Porpoise-Driven Church” is so funny!

    Jin Woo…I love those titles from the Cho blog.

    Surfnetter…great play on words!

    I’m not in a “creative” mood to come up with one of my own at the moment.

  28. Yer killing me, here… You guys are coming up with all the good ideas, so I’ll just worship from afar…

  29. aaron arledge says

    The publishers of The Shack should write a new version for the prosperity crowd called The Mansion.

  30. Re Twilight: The Christian Version – With the exception of the Free, the Congregational, and the Wesleyan, the phrase “liberal Methodist” is redundant.

    Re Miguel’s idea about interfaith writing, ever since I heard a commercial on the radio for the Episcopal Bookstore at St. Philip’s Cathedral in Atlanta — I didn’t even know Episcopalians had bookstores — I have wanted to run right over there and try to find a WWACD (What Would the Archbishop of Canterbury Do?) bracelet.

    Surfnetter, the title Saving Ryan’s Privates has already been taken, which you would have known if you had read this.

  31. Parsifal says

    Faith is Just a Conference Away

  32. Parsifal says

    An Arrogant Humility: Studies in Book Titles for the Evangelical Author

  33. I can’t wait to read these!

  34. The New Children’s Instant Obedience Study Bible: changing “Thus saith the Lord” to “Simon says.”

    Oh, man, I’m glad I wasn’t at work when I read this! That’s freakin’ hillarious!

  35. son of adam says

    Simply Heretic – In the genre of a Tom Clancy Net Force novel, an underground group of radical reformationists, code named W.R.O.N.G., delve into the cyberworld in an attempt to worm their way into the N.T.Wright website and replace the entire Wright audio/video section with their own homemade YouTube
    videos.

  36. The Snack! ha! That’s great!

  37. I’ve been lurking for months, but I had to post to say this is my favorite.post. ever. 🙂 LOVE this site, iMonk.

  38. MMWAAHAHAHAHA!!

    Here’s one that is seriously on the shelves, I swear I’m not making it up: “How to Study the Bible for Yourself.”

  39. Pastor M says

    How about The Ministry of Real Presence: How to Lay on and Pray/Prey on Women?

    By the way, the phrase “liberal Methodist” isn’t redundant at all, at least not among the ones I know and serve.

  40. son of adam says

    Generous Orthodontics – Chronicles the story of an orthodontist turned televangelist turned social-justice activist, whose mis-guided mission is to bring Hollywood smiles to the homeless and hungry throughout the world.

  41. I would be laughing, except:

    (1) “The Snack”? You’ve obviously heard (haven’t you?) of Jesus appearing in a bag of Cheetos:

    http://ironiccatholic.blogspot.com/2009/05/truth-is-stranger-98-cheesus.html

    I suppose He decided, what with His mother showing up in window glass and concrete underpasses, to make an appearance Himself.

    (2) “This Is Your Best Wife? Wow”? Christian men of America! You too can improve your missus by dedicated fasting on her behalf! Just enroll on this website and use spiritual means to guilt her into being nicer to you!

    http://www.e5men.org/

    And it’s the brainchild of a Catholic, which is even worse: he should know better, that’s not how you do fasting. It’s a very American notion – sorry to offend all you Americans, but this kind of high-powered, high-pressure, sales technique!

    Though I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned “Wolf Among The Sheep: My Quest To Paganise Good Evangelicals” in which you detail how you’re really a top-secret undercover operative of the Roman Catholic Church sent in as a deep-cover sleeper agent to introduce pagan practices and lead good decent Christian folk astray with your subtle brain-washing techniques of endorsing a site selling rosary beads 😉

  42. Vicki in NC says

    To be really relevant, that should read hott pastorette, and two hott blonds.

    (See Jon Acuff’s 5/21 entry on Stuffchristianslike.net)

    Bahahaha, can’t wait to read The Snack.

  43. When I was enmeshed in the culture of an Evangelical para-church ministry in college, I considered a book called How I Kissed My Purpose Driven Jabez Prayer Goodbye.

  44. Vicki in NC says

    The Lakeland Survival – How To Get Healed After Getting Your Tumors Kicked Out of You.

  45. Ron – Jesuit priests in ninja outfits! Pshaw!

    Seeing as how this is the 400th anniversary of Fr. Matteo Ricci’s journey to China, of course it has to be Jesuit priests with secret Shaolin Gong Fu techniques!

  46. Kenny Johnson says

    Do Nothing For Christ: You’re Saved by Grace and Got Nothing Left to Do.

  47. wouldn’t Churchless Church be a better track for the times than the already done Christless Christianity (or are they the same, allegorically)?

  48. “The Rubliev Code”: after revealing the sinister machinations behind the Roman church, Dan Brown turns his attention to the Orthodox; just what exactly *are* they hiding under those beards?

  49. I was tempted to cheat at Scrabble last night during a game with my wife. Now I know I got it from reading The New Testament and the People of God. Whew! Thanks for the heads up.

  50. Hiswomeneutics: A complementarian look at Biblical interpretation.